New Year, Old Drama. There’s No Other Way.

Okay, I’m trying not to be bummed out about the recent course of events in the past few months. I have been focused on working a lot in different places and different avenues to obtain money for my dreams. So my projects will have to be put on hold while I work on my own personal fundraiser. Also trying to gain perspective as to how to handle my multiple vocations and how to maintain it. I’m currently reading, Self-Employed Tax Solutions by June Walker and finished reading Freelancing For Dummies by Susan M. Drake. It has changed my view concerning creativity and business. It hit me that the majority of what I have done in the past few years could have been a deductible. Then during my tenure of trying to hustle for paying work and saving money I have neglected the artistic side of me. If I don’t tend to it soon, it may be the death of me.

I missed out on applying for a $1000 grant by the City of Chicago last week  and I don’t have the time and energy to apply for the Individual artist support initiative. And during the hectic holidaze season I neglected to apply my photography for Intelligentsia. I’m not going to blame my scanner, it should’ve been me to follow-up and show my pics to the guy in charge.

I fleet between being the confidence that I am smart enough to make things work out as stated in a Wastebook status update 2 days ago:

Mentally looking into the mirror of my mind saying, “I’m a smart mothaf*ckin’ cookie and this sista is gonna work it out!”

And then trying to fight the discouragement of lost work bookings, mysteriously smaller paychecks, lousy tips, bills piling up, and rent backpay.

I do love with all my heart all the things that I envision with my mind and make with my hands but how the f*ck do I continue in the glaring face of private loan payments, collection calls, and barely eating food? Sustenance via American Ramen AKA Mac N’ Cheese.

I know I am capable of great things it’s just I don’t think anyone takes me seriously when I announce that I’m a “jill-of-all-trades.” I am more than a licensed massage therapist. I am more than a (non-working) graphic designer. More than an artist that will not ever sell their private work. More than an inventor with no money to produce their product. It thoroughly disgusts me that what one makes for money is the sole reason for their identity.

I don’t have financial backing, my W-2s and 1099s are all I have. No grants, no patrons, no investors, no managers, no agents, no interns and no assistants to my beck and call.

My father calls me “stupid” throughout childhood yet it was found out I have 128 IQ in the WAIS 4 years ago. And my mother says that, “you are pathetic,” “I won’t support your art,” “Maybe you should apply at McDonald’s.”  I won’t be getting any of their support anytime soon or ever when they are in the other side of the world in their separate divorced lives. Good riddance.

Last month I got a call from Sallie Mae as usual. I was in tears that I cannot receive a forbearance on my past loans because the 2 years are up. Yet the constant voicemails always try the reassurance that if one is having trouble with payments then there is some type of solution. It’s bullsh!t. The sheepish voice asks, “Can you get anyone to help you out?” WTF A lot of my friends are also struggling, some unemployed or welfare. Sick bastards. I AM WORKING but not earning enough to make ends meet. I asked the Sallie Mae sheeple, “How am I going to eat?” She had no answer – of course.

I’ve been hearing recently that Illinois is horrible for the self-employed and small business. And the parking rates went up and public transportation is being cut this year.  This is not surprising from the land of the 10.25% sales tax.  I feel like I’m in sort of penal state colony in a chain gang of sorts tucking away pennies needed for my escape. (I don’t watch television often but I just might watch Prison Break for uh, research.)

My solace and self-care? Metal before working shift, bubble baths, and chocolate. I don’t how I’m going to manage for the rest of this year but something needs to be done soon. There’s no other way.