So on another note, what did I do somewhat creatively while I was AWOL? Okay working backwards, I did the Écorché class again at Vitruvian Fine Art Studio in January thru May 2011. Prior to that, I did buy a Rye & Ginger Waist Cincher Corset Kit at Vogue Fabrics and actually finished it to wear for the holidaze in 2010. I became confident in constructing the waist cincher after retaking the Corsetmaking workshop in the fall of 2010 at Vogue. I’m not quite sure when I will actually sit down and document these projects so I cannot promise that I will do so.  Much of that time spent is  job searching, training and basic human offline upkeep. Those are the recent things I can think of right now in this sleep deprived, over caffeinated brain.

Despite my lack of public online upkeep, I opened up WordPress because I am considering opening another blog that will connect to this one. I want to call it, “F*** the Great Recession, I’m Growing My Own Damn Food!” The Purple Thumb Garden. I’ve been quite obsessed with gardening again and I tend to berate myself that I have a black thumb but I realized recently at Adams & Son Gardens that I did have a green thumb once in Florida. I just forgot about it somehow. I guess the memories of numerous failed attempts in the past overwhelmed the memories of growing Purple Queens, Fuschias, and other plants in central Florida. What started with a purchase of sweet basil from Gethsemane has exploded into an obsession in May.

I’m still keeping this blog, just trying to figure out an efficient way of organizing my thoughts and documentation. I would probably treat this blog as a central hub that goes out into other categories and subdivisions. That way if someone is interested in my corsetmaking process they won’t be bogged down with my gardening (mis)adventures or my Chicago architecture rage. I will mention it briefly in this site then link off into the other blog. Like having a giant collection (which is COR) with different sections labeled off (which is The Purple Thumb Garden and future blogs).

So what else happened since the last entry of claiming to try to change my life (or something like that)? Eh, it seems I say that “changing my life epiphany” script almost every year or so. I was very despondent that I haven’t made much progress in creative endeavors in the past couple years and that feeling grows prolifically stronger closer to my bday. I have to resort to the cold fact that I won’t be able to do everything I want to do due to lack of funds, manpower, staff and a non-eternal lifespan. Which is a damn fucking shame, I don’t know if I can become the jill-of-all-trades that I want to be. I’m just running on survival mode like most people nowadays, hand to mouth. I’m also paranoid about the theft of intellectual property, the high cost of copyright protections ($35 online * amount of artwork = !$!$!$!$!$) and business fees, but then sadly that’s probably part of me living in Shitcago, Illinoize, the land of infamous corruption. And please don’t quote the cliche, “If you don’t like it then leave/change.” If a grant was thrown my way to GTFO of town, I’d leave ASAP believe me. Home is where the pain is.

Speaking of home and pain, tomorrow on May 30, will mark the 8 year black anniversary of the childhood house that burnt down and destroyed most of my artwork, rendered me more insane, derailed my academic life and linear graphic design goals, gave a douchebag catsitter the opportunity to steal my cat, and killed my spirit further. Thanks PTSD! So ironically when people will be grilling on Memorial Day over hot fires tenderly charring various meats and whatnot is also the date that hot fire has royally fucked me up. A part of me wants to revisit the site tomorrow, the house was not demolished unfortunately, it was rehabbed.

I was away at school when it happened, but my imagination gave weight to how horrifying it was. Like having a lobotomy by fire. I’m not traumatized by fire, I still want to try poi dancing, but I had anxiety around candles for a while. It’s so easy to take them for granted until it burns your creations. She said muttering under her breath that “I only care about my possessions,” but she doesn’t have a creative idea in her body to understand that I wasn’t crying about material effects, it was my photography, drawings, paintings, documentation, sculptures, films, videos, childhood photos. Irreplaceable. Those aren’t possessions, they’re ideas manifested physically. Burned a part of my brain off.

Like many creatives, I expressed my pain by drawing and journaling. And like any emotionally volatile adolescent, immersed myself in music listening, encased in the room, screaming my lungs out inside pillows. I listened to my good ol’ standby Skinny Puppy and flipped that with Bjork for hope. And then that strange magical moment where you listen to something that finally clicks in your head. The kind of thing where the music is in the background and you hear it as a sleepy dreamwalker not paying attention while the people surrounding you are aware walking normally, then it clicks and you get it and you love it and you walk along or run freaking out. Yeah, I ran totally freaking out to Radiohead’s album, Hail to the Thief. Then I ran off to France for Eurockéennes de Belfort to see this British band on America’s Independence Day. Ran back Chicago to go to Alpine Center in Wisconsin. Clicked the “Refresh” button (before auto refresh was around) furiously on Waste’s downed servers for several hours to finally get tickets in the orchestra pit in Florida. Yes I ran. Then thought it be cool if I dressed up as their logo for Halloween, and it became the first thing I created after that stupid fucking fire. An on again, off gain project that lasted 5 years with the result worn for the In Rainbows tour. King of Limbs? Yes please, best Valentine ever. “Little By Little” listened approximately 70 times according to iTunes give or take a few listenings from roommie.

Okay, I gonna stop this post now so I can give online birth to another baby: The Purple Thumb: “F*** the Great Recession, I’m Growing My Own Damn Food!”

Now I know why I don’t blog consistently, it takes me HOURS to write and proofread this shite, and that’s without pictures. Thanks OCPD!

• Back in February 2010, last blog post, I was supposed to write about the Masks show where I showed a couple pieces in March
• Put up another piece in Art of Connection 2010 in late May / early June

Was working intensively in early April – May so didn’t have time to settle down and work on things. But many of you wage earning creatives know how that is like.  So sorry for not getting back on correspondence and comments, etc.

Tonight there’s a concert by Ween and alas I cannot attend due to budget restrictions (still want to go to Public Enemy tomorrow though). The reason I mentioned this is because tonight’s show also has another on my personal project ideas tacked on it. The last time they played was in 2007 and some ideas came up and was gathering my materials then (missed that show too but there was an emergency that came up). Like my other pieces, it’s very difficult to determine how to build something from scratch so it takes so much longer – even years. I am also not a big fan of the venue they are playing in. I don’t want to sound like the Aesop fable of the fox versus the grapes but come on, concert ticket costs are so expensive and prohibitive. The amount of events in the summer further exponentiates the costs. I have different designs tonight.

My birthday is on this week and like any other birthday I do a lot of thinking about the past, present, and future. Kept it private and introverted and turned down every social invitation. I thought about my earliest memories and what my purpose and my skill set is. And really, it’s art. Plain and simple and those are my roots deep down no matter what my environment and circumstances.

The spoken word can be very affirming so I need to remind myself of who I am again. I didn’t call myself “artist” when I described my profession this week but my other one which is supposed to be a side career. I kind of regret it but I was caught in the moments of conversation and said it for the sake of brevity. Another thing for me to keep in mind so as not to lose touch.

I’m doing what I can not to lose touch with my artistic side despite trying to earn money to keep on living. It’s been hard for us all internationally with this recession and economic meltdown. I don’t know of anyone immediate in my life who is having the time of their life right now. It’s very hard to decide which equipment to buy to feed the creative fire. My desktop is over 5 years old and still do not own a dSLR. So frustrating to want to shoot photos and no gear to support it. Meanwhile, so behind on documenting work. So yeah the birthday week has been sobering and just have to refocus on the things that I still have and not only cut back but work with what I got.

Trying to lighten my load of possessions too and need to start selling off and give away unused things. Earlier this months read a great article about a man who sold everything so he can get a Lamborghini. I will not do something that drastic but I need to loosen my grip and try not to be such a pack rat. The article was inspirational and the man has a point:

“For me, it’s wasteful not to use it. That’s anything. It doesn’t matter if it’s a fucking dishwasher,” says Richard. “That’s not really socially acceptable. It’s not the way we’re programmed… most people don’t live like I do. I’d eat ramen noodles to pay for gasoline, just to avoid the monotony of being stuck in four walls.”

Ugh, I still have a tight grip on items such as my Sekonic light meter due to its cost and that “just in case” mentality but I don’t think I’m a hoarder (gulp). People can still walk around my office workshop space without navigating a narrow passageway – the classic sign of living with a hoarder.

On a lighter note, this month I have been writing on an idea that came up during a talk with a researcher back in July 2008. I casually mentioned it on and off to people but never really sat down and typed it out. It’s being previewed by a few folks and it looks like it’s almost done but I don’t know quite how to finish it. It’s a piece of work called, “The Three Audience Types.” Like the the birth of the Greek goddess Athena popping out of Zeus’ head, this idea is materializing in written form and ready to pop out soon.

Okay, need to stop writing now.
occasio praeceps = opportunity fleeting right at this moment now

Happy to report that 2 pieces of work will be displayed in March at New Wave Coffee in Logan Square. Grateful to show something in March after my mishaps with January and February grants and deadlines due to working. It’s a show about masks. Noticed around my place that 2 pieces that I created last year are qualified. These are preliminary pieces. Already turned in the hanging wall sculpture. The drawing I’m still working on and will turn in tomorrow. Opening night on March 5, Friday night. More details to follow in my signature “ars longa” style of writing. The exhibit will start March 5, 2010 until the end of the month. Opening night March 5, Friday night.

Okay, I’m trying not to be bummed out about the recent course of events in the past few months. I have been focused on working a lot in different places and different avenues to obtain money for my dreams. So my projects will have to be put on hold while I work on my own personal fundraiser. Also trying to gain perspective as to how to handle my multiple vocations and how to maintain it. I’m currently reading, Self-Employed Tax Solutions by June Walker and finished reading Freelancing For Dummies by Susan M. Drake. It has changed my view concerning creativity and business. It hit me that the majority of what I have done in the past few years could have been a deductible. Then during my tenure of trying to hustle for paying work and saving money I have neglected the artistic side of me. If I don’t tend to it soon, it may be the death of me.

I missed out on applying for a $1000 grant by the City of Chicago last week  and I don’t have the time and energy to apply for the Individual artist support initiative. And during the hectic holidaze season I neglected to apply my photography for Intelligentsia. I’m not going to blame my scanner, it should’ve been me to follow-up and show my pics to the guy in charge.

I fleet between being the confidence that I am smart enough to make things work out as stated in a Wastebook status update 2 days ago:

Mentally looking into the mirror of my mind saying, “I’m a smart mothaf*ckin’ cookie and this sista is gonna work it out!”

And then trying to fight the discouragement of lost work bookings, mysteriously smaller paychecks, lousy tips, bills piling up, and rent backpay.

I do love with all my heart all the things that I envision with my mind and make with my hands but how the f*ck do I continue in the glaring face of private loan payments, collection calls, and barely eating food? Sustenance via American Ramen AKA Mac N’ Cheese.

I know I am capable of great things it’s just I don’t think anyone takes me seriously when I announce that I’m a “jill-of-all-trades.” I am more than a licensed massage therapist. I am more than a (non-working) graphic designer. More than an artist that will not ever sell their private work. More than an inventor with no money to produce their product. It thoroughly disgusts me that what one makes for money is the sole reason for their identity.

I don’t have financial backing, my W-2s and 1099s are all I have. No grants, no patrons, no investors, no managers, no agents, no interns and no assistants to my beck and call.

My father calls me “stupid” throughout childhood yet it was found out I have 128 IQ in the WAIS 4 years ago. And my mother says that, “you are pathetic,” “I won’t support your art,” “Maybe you should apply at McDonald’s.”  I won’t be getting any of their support anytime soon or ever when they are in the other side of the world in their separate divorced lives. Good riddance.

Last month I got a call from Sallie Mae as usual. I was in tears that I cannot receive a forbearance on my past loans because the 2 years are up. Yet the constant voicemails always try the reassurance that if one is having trouble with payments then there is some type of solution. It’s bullsh!t. The sheepish voice asks, “Can you get anyone to help you out?” WTF A lot of my friends are also struggling, some unemployed or welfare. Sick bastards. I AM WORKING but not earning enough to make ends meet. I asked the Sallie Mae sheeple, “How am I going to eat?” She had no answer – of course.

I’ve been hearing recently that Illinois is horrible for the self-employed and small business. And the parking rates went up and public transportation is being cut this year.  This is not surprising from the land of the 10.25% sales tax.  I feel like I’m in sort of penal state colony in a chain gang of sorts tucking away pennies needed for my escape. (I don’t watch television often but I just might watch Prison Break for uh, research.)

My solace and self-care? Metal before working shift, bubble baths, and chocolate. I don’t how I’m going to manage for the rest of this year but something needs to be done soon. There’s no other way.

Culturally Situated Design Tools:

I have this mental image of a professor or mathematician in the streets trying to watch taggers and break dancers.